It's Not Too Late

I went to Oxbow Academy today to shoot equine imprinting. It's a fancy term for the simple process of handling a new baby horse while it is only days old in order to help the horse feel comfortable with human touch. The theory goes that if the little one is used to having his ears rubbed, hooves examined, and face stroked he won't be frightened when it comes time to wear a halter or be treated by a vet. Horse professionals say the animal won't run from humans entering the corral. Instead, he'll greet them. Sounded good to me. But what does this kind of horse theory have to do with teen boys who have been victims of sexual abuse, many of whom have, in turn, touched others inappropriately. How does this help them?

Brita and Tony North, the horse pros at Oxbow let me watch and find out. One at a time the boys enter the corral and slowly approach the mother, who is halter-held by Brita. Tony has his arms around the wobbly baby. Tony, the mother and baby, and the Oxbow student are all almost nose-to-nose as the boy tentatively pats first the mare and then slowly moves to her baby.

Stroking the tiny horse's velvet nose, then running hands down its neck, softly tickling its belly, and slowly lifting the spindly legs to tap tiny hooves.

Brita is softly talking to the boys, explaining the mare must trust that they will not hurt her baby. Their movements must be slow and careful. If alarmed, she will do whatever she must to protect her foal.

In each boy the reaction is different. Some seem stone faced and unimpressed. Those are often the newest students to arrive at Oxbow. Others are filled with wonder at the foal's fragile little body. Most ask for a second chance to stroke the little horse again.

Now Brita explains to the boys that as prey animals, it is ultimate act of trust for the mare to allow them close to her baby. And for the baby to allow the boys to temporarily disable it by lifting its legs is the essence of vulnerability. There is no chance to run or escape in that condition.

She asks the boys, "Are you giving your therapist a leg?" An odd question, but one they immediately relate to. Are you being honest? Have you disclosed everything from your past so your healing present can begin? Are you sincere in your work and willingness to turn the horror of your past into the hope of your future?

Brita tells the boys the night the foal was born she went to the corral every two hours to help the mare learn to nurse her baby. Her udder was swollen and sore and the nursing process was painful for the first few tries. Gradually, the swelling subsided and the thristy baby could nurse completely.

She asked the boys, "Do you think it is painful for your parents to help you deal with your sexual issues?" The boys share the reactions of their parents, particularly their mothers, when they disclosed sexual behaviors. "Your parents," Brita tells them, "are standing by you. It is difficult for them but they are determined to give you the tools you need to succeed." Her voice drops a notch. "That's why you're here," she says, gently, giving each of them a long look.

Brita continues, "All of you should have had someone to give you appropriate touch the moment you were born. Some of you didn't. For some of you, that trust was betrayed. Does that mean it's too late for you?"

Almost in unison the boys shake their heads no. But one student asks, "If the mom didn't learn imprinting will she turn on her baby? Will she reject her baby?" His question is loaded with concern.

"Will it matter what she does," Brita responds, "if her baby learns the tools he needs to behave appropriately?"

The boys think about this in silence for a while. Another student asks, "How long do most horses live?" The intention is clear. What he really wants to know is how long does a foal that hasn't been imprinted have to "get it," to re-learn the fearlessness of positive touch?

Brita's answer is simple. "Not nearly as long as you will. You can take these tools and create a happy, safe life."

Almost on cue the little foal skitters away and the mare moves to a protective stance between baby and boys. Lesson over.

Live Like Your Kids are Watching

It's not the lectures we give but the life we live that teaches our children the most powerful lessons. Susan Stiffelman wrote a great article on this. Thought you might enjoy it as well:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-stiffelman/parenting-advice-live-lik_b_603428.html

Teens and Porn

A recent Tweet questioning the value of porn blockers reminded me of an article I did a couple of years ago for counseling magazine. I'm including excerpts of it here because I think it's even more timely today. If you're interested in the complete article, please visit http://www.oxbowacademy.net/blog

Teens and Pornography: The Frightening New Addiction

*Names have been changed to protect privacy

Looking back, *Tom remembers the morning the nightmare began. It was 5:30 a.m. Summer vacation meant his 15-year-old son, *Jason, should be sleeping in. Instead, Tom was surprised to find him at the family computer. He was even more stunned when he saw what his son was doing.

"He was looking at porn," Tom says. Specifically, Jason was watching child pornography. "It was about as hard core as you could get."

Jason was ashamed and embarrassed and promised his parents he would never do it again. They thought their son was "just curious" and believed him. The family had recently moved and the computer's filtering system was down. Tom installed a new blocking program and made sure it was working.

They were devastated when they discovered their son, on at least two other occasions, had hacked through the system to find porn.

In the meantime, Jason was spiraling downward at school. Formerly a straight 'A' student, the teen began failing his accelerated classes.

"We suspected drug use," Tom recalls. He began drug testing his son and carefully monitoring his behavior and friends. Every drug test turned up negative.

"He proceeded to get worse until it reached a point where we couldn't get him to do anything at home. He wouldn't even take a shower, brush his teeth, or get ready for school," Tom remembers.

You can read the rest of Jason's story at http://www.oxbowacademy.net/blog

Baby On The Way

My oldest daughter is pregnant - sort of. She and her husband just completed the home study required by the adoption agency in preparation for their second child. Three hours, dozens of pages of paperwork, and a personal interview later they are ready to advance to the second round of adoptive aerobics.

We talked about it last night at the park as their two-year-old, Olivia, was trying to coax a calf to come and nibble on the stick she poked through the fence.

How do you handle conflict as a couple? How do you handle discipline? What is your spouse's greatest strength? What is his/her greatest weakness? If the home you grew up in had a motto, what would that motto be? What lessons from your parents' home did you take with you in creating your own home? These are just a few of the questions the agency interviewer posed.

As they have been gathering financial statements, letters of recommendation, and getting medical exams, I've been thinking a lot about the woman I may never meet - their baby's birth mother.

If my new grandchild arrives this fall, his or her birth mother is entering the final trimester of her pregnancy. How is she doing? Is she healthy? Is she worried about the impending delivery? Has she already made the decision to place her baby for adoption? In her quiet moments does she wonder about us - the family she will pick for her child?

It's probably a good thing most of us don't get to "choose" our family. Really, would you have willingly chosen your Aunt Sophie or Uncle George or even your brother Jimmy? All it takes is one good family reunion to see how biology has betrayed you, how nature and nurture were somehow on a collision course.

What an awesome responsibility to choose a family. To choose a child. To set aside everything you don't know and everything you do and take or place a child.

Birth mothers and adoptive mothers have more in common than I ever realized. Both pledge with heart and soul to give an innocent the opportunity for the kind of family life and love we all long for.

Baby dear, where ever you are, you are loved.

Facebook or Face Time?

I read an article recently by the Associated Press about how family time in the United States is dwindling. According to a study by the Annenberg Center for the Digital Future, "28 percent of Americans interviewed last year say they have been spending less time with members of their households. That's nearly triple the 11 percent who said that in 2006."

The article continues, "The decline in family time coincides with a rise in Internet use and the popularity of social networks. Facebook has more than 200-million users, up from 100-million last August."

Think about it. When was the last time you had a conversation of any length or meaning with the people you live with? I get more information from my teenaged son in a text message than I do a dinner appearance. Does that mean someday we will sit across the table from one another, speechless, while our fingers do the talking with "friends" across the world?

Quoting the AP article again, Michael Gilbert, a senior fellow at the Annenberg Center, said, "Most people think of the Internet and our digital future as boundless, and I do too. But it can't be a good thing that families are spending less face-to-face time together. Ultimately it leads to less cohesive and less communicative families."

Time to tame the technology.

Celebrating life

June is typically a month filled with graduations of all kinds - preschool, middle school, high school and college. Yesterday I attended a graduation unlike any other. It was at Oxbow Academy.

Only one student was graduating. His favorite teacher, his therapist, and a fellow student all spoke. Then his father took the podium. Battling back tears, this man stood for several minutes trying to compose himself. When he was at last able to speak, this is what he said:

"A year ago at this time I thought the chances of attending your funeral were much greater than attending your high school graduation. I am so proud of you. I am so thankful for this place and for how far you've come."

The graduate had been sexually abused for years as a small child by a trusted neighbor. In turn, he lashed out with anger and abuse to young children within his family circle. In desparation over what had been done to him, and what he had done to others, he attempted to take his own life. No one discovered his secret and no one knew how to help him - until now.

His past is filled with pain and regret and mistakes that can't easily be righted nor ever fully repaired. As for his future, that remains to be seen. His family and many members of his community are ready to welcome him home with open arms and a detailed relapse prevention plan.

So the boy who stands on the threshold of the future leaves Oxbow and re-enters life. His high school diploma, as difficult as it was to earn, is the least of his accomplishments. He has survived brutal abuse, sought help for his own victims, and battled every day for more than a year to understand what happened, why, and how to end it forever.

This is a graduation to remember.

Ordinary People

It's the end of a slightly tempestuous summer day. The weather has little to do with the storm brewing in my own home. My 17-year-old son is out of school and, since he has no formal job, I've taken it upon myself to make sure his summer consists of more than "hanging out."

Today my version of summer vacation consisted of pulling the mouldings off the walls in the office, filling the nail holes, and preparing for a new paint job. His version had something to do with ESPN, txt, and ATM.

I'm convinced a productive, happy life involves more than acronyms. And therein lies the disagreement - and one more hole to patch. My son punctuated his exasperation with a wall smack that was much more aggressive than a high five.

I chose my blog name not because I consider myself an excellent parent, but because I'm always looking for ways to do a better job at the only job I believe really matters - being a great parent.

Share your experience and maybe we'll all get better at it.